Hard Times

Today has been really hard for me. Yesterday I found out that my grandmother's ovarian cancer is not being helped by her chemotherapy and she's getting worse much more rapidly than expected. I guess that until now I didn't really realize how quickly I might lose her and it's affecting me greatly. All I want to do is get into bed and cry, but instead I've got to do homework and study and run errands...and I feel like a bit of a zombie.
Part of me thinks it's bad to be expecting the worst, but at the same time I think it's important for me to focus on my grandma while she's still here. Today I called her to tell her that we want to go and visit her in a couple of weeks and she told me not to come. This crushed me despite the fact that I was expecting it.
I guess that it hurts me most to be so far away from her and so helpless. I've never lost someone that I love before and I don't quite know how to deal with it.
Maybe writing about it here will help me.